System overload

I have a problem. There is a word missing from my vocabulary. That word is no.

This weekend was a brutal reminder of what happens to me when I promise too many things to too many people. I was supposed to have Rogit's 6th birthday party on Saturday. We were going to do a big cake, he wanted a party at the bowling alley with our usual group of friends. Then my friend informed me that this would be the only possible weekend she could have her son's party. Well that presents a problem because we have the same group of friends. My mom goes on a trip the weekend after Rogit's birthday every year, so the weekend before is our only party option. We will have this conflict with these friends forever I suppose. I decided I could pull off the bowling party at noon and have it done before her party at 5.

Then the wedding reception I offered to do a cake for back in February gets scheduled for Saturday as well. That means I'm trying to make a wedding cake, a birthday cake, plan a party, and attend another party all on the same day.

Roenick's cake and party get crossed off the list first. I don't want him disappointed when nobody shows up for his party, and I can't possibly get both cakes done in the same weekend. So my own child gets the shaft.

The bride changes her design Friday afternoon around 3pm. The cake is due in exactly 24hrs. I planned to pull an all-nighter but at 9:30 I could no longer function. The nausea and the pain in my gut have risen to a level that I cannot tolerate and I drag myself home and into bed. I'm up again at 5:30 to get the cake done.

I get a phone call from the friend having the birthday party, it has been moved to 4pm. The wedding reception is at 6:30. Guess where I'll be at 4pm?? Setting up a cake.

I feel like an alien is trying to eat it's way out of my stomach, but I get the cake finished and delivered. I come home, pop a Zantac, and plop down on the couch. There is no way I'm making that party. My name will be mud for the next year because I didn't show up and allow them all to pretend they like me.

I have come to realize that I am allowing other people to make me miserable, to make me physically ill, and to make me an emotional wreck. I spend all my time saying yes to people in the hopes that I'll fit in, that they will accept me, that they might want to be my friend. And in the mean time I am falling apart. I am finally admitting that I have been in depression for over 2 years now. In that time I have gone from a happy, thin, outgoing person to a mopey, fat, reclusive blob all because I crave the acceptance of people so much that I am willing to let them destroy me.

No more.

Today I let my spiritual health take the forefront. Today my family and myself become my only other priorities. Everything and everyone else can wait.

I will not compromise for you.
I will not over commit myself for you.
I will not let you limit my success.
I will not let you destroy me.